Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory

People who know us are aware of our inability to go out anywhere and have a normal day out, or undertake the simplest tasks without it turning in to a 5 Act Wagnerian Saga. Over the years we have accumulated many tales of just such adventures.

Some of you may have already read these - I refuse to apologies - it's your own fault for being sad and leading boring ordinary lives.

Rather than post all the stories in one go I shall post them at regular intervals under the Jackanory banner.

I would like to thank all those involved in our adventures for their (unwilling/unplanned/innocent) participation. (You know who you are)

The say Truth is Stranger Than Fiction - It can be a lot more painful.

The North Face of the Eiger

Once upon a Saturday afternoon, the week after Christmas 2006 I was getting ready to put the Christmas Tree and the boxes of decorations away in our loft.

I needed to spend a few minutes in the loft moving stuff around so that I could actually get up there and put things away properly rather than jammed in around the loft opening.

Before I went up in to the loft Daniel asked me if I could look for his old Action Man stuff. As anyone over 40 will know when you have three things to do at the same time you just about manage to remember two of them and forget the third. So I forgot to look for the Action Man stuff..

Daniel starts giving it some lip and says that he will go up in to the loft and look for it himself.

So intrepid Chris Bonnington sets out from Base Camp with light equipment, no breathing apparatus, and no emergency rations as this is after all a merely fact finding climb before starting a proper ascent on the North Face.

Supported by Sherpa Dad our intrepid hero starts his climb and get 2/3rds of the way up the ladder and develops a terminal case of brown trousers and aborts the attempt due to adverse wind conditions.

After a brief discussion with the Climb Controller (aka Mum), our brave mountaineer makes his second attempt at the exploratory climb, and, like a rat up a drain pipe completes the ascent in 3.2 seconds (although this will not stand for record purposes as it was a wind assisted climb). Triumphant and overjoyed at his success Daniel strikes out across the plateau and after a minute arrives at Camp Action Man (a small collection of boxes halfway along the loft).

Reassured that the Action Man stuff is still in the loft and has not been taken, under cover of darkness, to a jumble sale or charity shop, Daniel carefully retraces his steps to the edge of the plateau and makes preparations for his descent.

It is at this point he decides that he cannot get down out of the loft. We start with some gentle cajoling and general reassuring that all he has to do is kneel down sling his leg on the ladder and Bobs your Uncle, Fanny’s your Aunt.

Obviously not reassuring enough as he still is not convinced at the ease of the descent. “How did you get down off the 20 foot climbing wall?” we asked, (the previous half term he had been up and down a mobile climbing wall when it came on to our estate)

“Abseiled!” he cried. “After someone pushed me off as I couldn’t let go at the top!”

By now Lindsay and I are beginning to think that letting him up in the loft was not a good idea.

“You’ve been up in the loft before with Roger(the plumber) and you got down OK so what was different then?” “He had a big pair of step ladders and I only had to put my foot down a little way on to the flat step bit at the top” “Go and get our step ladder Dad I can manage on that!” I tried to point out this would be futile as our steps are very short and hence the reason for the ladder we have now.

Change of tack. We send in mountain rescue! I go up in to the loft with Daniel and Lindsay is on the ladder to help him climb down. Easy! Yeah right!

I managed to get him in to descent position and he has one leg over the top of the ladder which Lindsay is holding in place (the leg and the ladder) and Daniel is clinging on to my trousers like his very existence depends on it. I am in the process of helping him move the other leg on to the ladder when he starts to freak out. He goes ram rod straight and stiff, screaming that we are trying to throw him down the ladder, that he can’t do this, he hates us, get the other ladder!!!!!

Daniel is totally hysterical so we try the slap the face routine- that worked - he accuses me of assault as well trying to throw him down the ladder and mentions Child Line, I said I get him the phone and dial him the number.

Sian is beside herself and totally freaked by Daniel’s behavior and screams up for us all to shut up. He starts to hyper ventilate.Lindsay goes down stairs to get a paper bag to stop the hyper-ventillation to find Sian collapsed on the floor surrounded by broken glass and she shouts up that I’ll have to get my own bag as Sian is unconscious.

I decided to fore go the paper bag and instead fetch said ladder from shed and take it up stairs. Daniel takes one look at it and passes comment about how short it is and he thought it was taller. By now I have lost it. I shorten the ladder by one step, climb up to the loft opening, invite Daniel to step on to the ladder other wise he won't need the ladder to get down out of the loft.

Eventually after 45 mins I manage get him to terra ferma. You will not be surprised to hear that Daniel has removed Mountain climbing from his list of work experience options for year 10.