Tired of unsightly hair?
Fed up with using creams or waxes?
Shaving driving you to distraction?
Then we have the answer.
1. buy a new pair of jeans
2. pick a chair on which the seat can move as can the whole chair - i.e. a computer chair
3. sit injudiciously on the aforementioned chair
4. in sitting do not take in to consideration the toughness of the crotch seam or in correct dressing
5. realise you have sat 'awkwardly' and wiggle to gain a more comfortable position
6. sit back, and 'relax' as they wiggling does nothing more than make the situation worse
7. jump smartly to attention as that nuisance hair is ripped by its roots from your personage
[Please note this method of hair removely must only be undertaken by a professional!]
Sunday 29 April 2007
Friday 27 April 2007
Oh, Oh, Oh, What A Lovely War!
Whilst putting together a presentation for work, and listening to music, I came a cross a Pogues Album on which is a track called The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.(<- click here to listen to a version by the Clancey Brothers - not the Pogues!) A folk song written in 70's by Eric Boggle it tells the story of the ill fated Galipoli campaign in which so many especiallyANZAC's lost their lives or where injured. However, whilst about this specific battle, the narrative coould be applied to any war, just the names and times would be different.
I was moved by the lyrics in a way I have not experienced for a long time.
It reminds me of my paternal grandfather who, took the Kings Shilling and joined up to take part in the Great War, The War To End All War - World War I.
He was underage, and, he ended up on the Somme. I am not sure how long he was there, all I know is he was badly injured in a Mustard Gas attack and was invalided out of the army.
I cannot imagine facing the horrors of trench warfare as a grown man, but as a boy of 15?
I have asked my dad if granddad ever talked about the war. Apparently not, he would only say that he was one of the unlucky few to come back.
I, unfortunately, never got to really know him as I was about 5 when he died.
Anyway here are the lyrics;
I was moved by the lyrics in a way I have not experienced for a long time.
It reminds me of my paternal grandfather who, took the Kings Shilling and joined up to take part in the Great War, The War To End All War - World War I.
He was underage, and, he ended up on the Somme. I am not sure how long he was there, all I know is he was badly injured in a Mustard Gas attack and was invalided out of the army.
I cannot imagine facing the horrors of trench warfare as a grown man, but as a boy of 15?
I have asked my dad if granddad ever talked about the war. Apparently not, he would only say that he was one of the unlucky few to come back.
I, unfortunately, never got to really know him as I was about 5 when he died.
Anyway here are the lyrics;
Now when I was a young man I carried me pack
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.
And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.
And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.
And those that were left, well, we tried to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.
For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.
So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.
And so now every April, I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.
But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.
And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.
And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.
And those that were left, well, we tried to surviveIn that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.
For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.
So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.
But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.
And so now every April, I sit on my porchAnd I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.
But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?
Thursday 26 April 2007
++++STOP PRESS++++STOP PRESS++++STOP P
Reports are just coming in over the wires of another attack on small furry creatures.
The latest incident happened at around 08:25 this morning.
The owner of said creatures was reclining in his bath tub. He reached up to the soap dish for a bar of soap but in doing so knocked over a shampoo bottle balanced on its cap which had a skittle like effect on other items also on the window sill.
In an attempt to avoid an avalanche of toiletries, the gentleman managed to catch the mug of tea that he had taken in to the bathroom with him to finish at his leisure whilst going about his ablutions.
He managed to stop the avalanche and the mug descending in to the bath, however he was not so fortunate with the contents of the mug, which obeying the laws of physics, leapt straight out of the mug and, due to the depth of the bath - (as they say in cookery books "barely cover with water"), all over the unfortunate creatures.
The good news is the tea had cooled so no permanent damage was sustained however treatment was administered at the scene for mild shock.
The latest incident happened at around 08:25 this morning.
The owner of said creatures was reclining in his bath tub. He reached up to the soap dish for a bar of soap but in doing so knocked over a shampoo bottle balanced on its cap which had a skittle like effect on other items also on the window sill.
In an attempt to avoid an avalanche of toiletries, the gentleman managed to catch the mug of tea that he had taken in to the bathroom with him to finish at his leisure whilst going about his ablutions.
He managed to stop the avalanche and the mug descending in to the bath, however he was not so fortunate with the contents of the mug, which obeying the laws of physics, leapt straight out of the mug and, due to the depth of the bath - (as they say in cookery books "barely cover with water"), all over the unfortunate creatures.
The good news is the tea had cooled so no permanent damage was sustained however treatment was administered at the scene for mild shock.
Monday 23 April 2007
A Trip To The Seaside
A Trip To The Seaside
Take a trip to the seaside
Turn left down Memory Lane
To the hallowed days of childhood
Remember those trips to the beach!?
Swim Suits, Sun Oil, pink plastic shoes
Stripey Deckchairs
Paddling
Warm cheese sarnies wrapped in tinfoil (with sand)
Hot Lemonade (with sand)
Lyons Victoria Sandwich Sponge Cake
Castle shaped buckets and little paper flags
99's with strawberry sauce...and nuts...and sand
Socks & Sandals
White String Vests and Varicose Veins
Dads groovy sun hat (use 101 of a white cotton hanky. Use 102? Blow your nose on it!)
Rock Pools, Crabbing, Kites!
The lure of the pier.
Lobster Red flesh
1000's of people
Noise, noise, noise
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip?
What about
Thermos Flasks filled with steaming Bovril?
Vest, T-Shirt, Pullover, Thick Jumper Nan knitted for your birthday,
duffle coat, mittens on strings, a stripey scarf, last used by Action Man as a getaway rope?
Paddington Wellies - were yours red or blue?
Fear of falling over as you would need a rescue party to stand you up
December/January?
Kites! (Peter Powell Stunt Kites - Bright Blue with flurorescent pink tails)
No one within 5 miles?
Pick of the beach?
(We invented kite surfing.
Take One Blustery Day in December
Add one small, slightly built, 5 year old child
One wooden framed stripey deckchair
Wait until Dad/Granddad/Mum/Nan has vacated seat and the wind begins to move the chair
Attach small boy
Stand Back
Watch as small boy is dragged along ground by deckchair as the seat cloth demonstrates how a sail works!)
Frozen Fingers?
Blue Lips?
0's of people?
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip
(c) Paul Jefford 2007 (23-04-07)
Take a trip to the seaside
Turn left down Memory Lane
To the hallowed days of childhood
Remember those trips to the beach!?
Swim Suits, Sun Oil, pink plastic shoes
Stripey Deckchairs
Paddling
Warm cheese sarnies wrapped in tinfoil (with sand)
Hot Lemonade (with sand)
Lyons Victoria Sandwich Sponge Cake
Castle shaped buckets and little paper flags
99's with strawberry sauce...and nuts...and sand
Socks & Sandals
White String Vests and Varicose Veins
Dads groovy sun hat (use 101 of a white cotton hanky. Use 102? Blow your nose on it!)
Rock Pools, Crabbing, Kites!
The lure of the pier.
Lobster Red flesh
1000's of people
Noise, noise, noise
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip?
What about
Thermos Flasks filled with steaming Bovril?
Vest, T-Shirt, Pullover, Thick Jumper Nan knitted for your birthday,
duffle coat, mittens on strings, a stripey scarf, last used by Action Man as a getaway rope?
Paddington Wellies - were yours red or blue?
Fear of falling over as you would need a rescue party to stand you up
December/January?
Kites! (Peter Powell Stunt Kites - Bright Blue with flurorescent pink tails)
No one within 5 miles?
Pick of the beach?
(We invented kite surfing.
Take One Blustery Day in December
Add one small, slightly built, 5 year old child
One wooden framed stripey deckchair
Wait until Dad/Granddad/Mum/Nan has vacated seat and the wind begins to move the chair
Attach small boy
Stand Back
Watch as small boy is dragged along ground by deckchair as the seat cloth demonstrates how a sail works!)
Frozen Fingers?
Blue Lips?
0's of people?
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip
(c) Paul Jefford 2007 (23-04-07)
It Just Came Out Of Nowhere!
I have the very onerous task of reporting, what in aviation circles, would be deemed a near miss.
The aforementioned incident happened on the forecourt of Tesco Filling Station in Ely Cambridgeshire at 11:53 and 39 seconds on the morning of Sunday, 22nd April 2007.
The parties involved where an A.T.M., a steel security post, and two of Elkman Jeffs' closest friends.
Having filled the car with fuel ready for a trip to the seaside, (with the Clarkes), a stop was made at the on site Cash Machine to withdraw some vouchers to cover the cost of refuelling us after a strenuous day of relaxing on the beach!
Whilst in the process of withdrawing cash, a steel post - standing some 3' 6" tall crept up behind the Elkman, and just as he turned to move away from the ATM it did, with malice aforethought, leap wrecklessly and with out heed to its own, or anyone elses safety, towards its target.
With a grace, deftness, and agility not seen since the days of Nureyev, the Elkman managed to avoid a catastrophic collision which would have resulted in the hospitilisation of his two closest and most constant companions (as well as the rest of his moose like physique!)
That side step would have graced any rugby field!
SO no tales of harm to report (sorry Mavis!) just a very very near miss!
The aforementioned incident happened on the forecourt of Tesco Filling Station in Ely Cambridgeshire at 11:53 and 39 seconds on the morning of Sunday, 22nd April 2007.
The parties involved where an A.T.M., a steel security post, and two of Elkman Jeffs' closest friends.
Having filled the car with fuel ready for a trip to the seaside, (with the Clarkes), a stop was made at the on site Cash Machine to withdraw some vouchers to cover the cost of refuelling us after a strenuous day of relaxing on the beach!
Whilst in the process of withdrawing cash, a steel post - standing some 3' 6" tall crept up behind the Elkman, and just as he turned to move away from the ATM it did, with malice aforethought, leap wrecklessly and with out heed to its own, or anyone elses safety, towards its target.
With a grace, deftness, and agility not seen since the days of Nureyev, the Elkman managed to avoid a catastrophic collision which would have resulted in the hospitilisation of his two closest and most constant companions (as well as the rest of his moose like physique!)
That side step would have graced any rugby field!
SO no tales of harm to report (sorry Mavis!) just a very very near miss!
Saturday 21 April 2007
All Hail Woodstock
Finally!
I have managed to get round to posting the photo's from Oxford and in particular all the signs I photographed in honour of our very dear friend Woodstock a.k.a Wee Man, Andrew, Mr Clarke... (click on Woodstock)
We are not worthy!
For some more general shots of Oxford click on the badge.These include shots of the International Market, some of Oxford's more famous buildings, (the Sheldonian, the Radliffe Camera etc)
We also visited the grave of the Hobbit Master, J R R Tolkien and paid silent homage to great man.
I was struck by the simplicity of his plot which he share with his wife. His eldest son is also buried near by.
Saturday 14 April 2007
Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Saturday 14th April 2007 is a good day.
I actually feel much better, I have managed to stay up for a good few hours.
We decided to go to Anglesey Abbey this afternoon for a bot of fresh air and on the spur of the moment phoned our dear friends, the Clarke's to see if they were able to join us. They could!
We meet up around 3.30pm, had a cup of tea and piece of cake, went for a walk, got back to the shop and found the restaurant closed, so no second afternoon tea :(
Sian decided it would be good if everyone came back to ours for tea.
So they did. Stopping at Tesco's for bread, cheese, nibbles and of course, desserts! (that's another story!)
So we had tea.
I can safely say that the light definitely pierces the darkness. The simple fact of beginning to feel better, add to the simple combination of trees, blues sky, warm sun, fresh air and very dear friends has a therapeutic effect that should not be under estimated.
This diamond is still crazy but is shining again.
I actually feel much better, I have managed to stay up for a good few hours.
We decided to go to Anglesey Abbey this afternoon for a bot of fresh air and on the spur of the moment phoned our dear friends, the Clarke's to see if they were able to join us. They could!
We meet up around 3.30pm, had a cup of tea and piece of cake, went for a walk, got back to the shop and found the restaurant closed, so no second afternoon tea :(
Sian decided it would be good if everyone came back to ours for tea.
So they did. Stopping at Tesco's for bread, cheese, nibbles and of course, desserts! (that's another story!)
So we had tea.
I can safely say that the light definitely pierces the darkness. The simple fact of beginning to feel better, add to the simple combination of trees, blues sky, warm sun, fresh air and very dear friends has a therapeutic effect that should not be under estimated.
This diamond is still crazy but is shining again.
Tuesday 10 April 2007
The Dark Sight of a Loon (apologies to Messrs Walters, Gilmour, Mason & Wright)
I am not unique, many people have dealt with illness far more serious than the experience I had years ago when I was diagnosed as having M.E.
In fact my son has also been diagnosed with the condition and is making steady progress towards a recovery.
Each sufferers' experience although in principle should be similar it's not ME is very much about me, I, the first person. But is it as singular as it sounds?
Almost more tragic is the effect it has on the ones that love us, care for us, hold us to together when we are falling apart, put us back together when we have fallen apart... (the same is true of any illness)
When I went through my ME experience I could not have done it without my dear wife, Lindsay, and my children, Sian and Daniel, it was their unconditional love that shone through all the blackness and despair.
Why am I telling you all this?
Last week I was off ill with a really nasty virus, the pole-axing, proper 'flu type virus, in fact 9 days later and I still feel like ... Anyway one night last week I awoke having had some very frightening and disturbing dreams and I suddenly felt lost, afraid, and swamped with doubt and black despair...
I used to keep a weekly diary of how I felt so I could discuss it with my CPN (the diaries don't exist now as I destroyed them when I got better) anyway, I lot of my observations were written almost as poetry
So if you were ever wondering what goes on in my head and if the diary still existed and I had written what I had felt after those dreams it would have been something like
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
I see the flame, feel its heat
yet I am blind
the cold blackness of despair
envelopes my very soul
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
what demons within
swallow up hope
turn all to night
what cruelty keeps me sighted
yet forbids me to see
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
is this my life i see before me
why...
In fact my son has also been diagnosed with the condition and is making steady progress towards a recovery.
Each sufferers' experience although in principle should be similar it's not ME is very much about me, I, the first person. But is it as singular as it sounds?
Almost more tragic is the effect it has on the ones that love us, care for us, hold us to together when we are falling apart, put us back together when we have fallen apart... (the same is true of any illness)
When I went through my ME experience I could not have done it without my dear wife, Lindsay, and my children, Sian and Daniel, it was their unconditional love that shone through all the blackness and despair.
Why am I telling you all this?
Last week I was off ill with a really nasty virus, the pole-axing, proper 'flu type virus, in fact 9 days later and I still feel like ... Anyway one night last week I awoke having had some very frightening and disturbing dreams and I suddenly felt lost, afraid, and swamped with doubt and black despair...
I used to keep a weekly diary of how I felt so I could discuss it with my CPN (the diaries don't exist now as I destroyed them when I got better) anyway, I lot of my observations were written almost as poetry
So if you were ever wondering what goes on in my head and if the diary still existed and I had written what I had felt after those dreams it would have been something like
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
I see the flame, feel its heat
yet I am blind
the cold blackness of despair
envelopes my very soul
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
what demons within
swallow up hope
turn all to night
what cruelty keeps me sighted
yet forbids me to see
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
is this my life i see before me
why...
Monday 2 April 2007
The Dreaming Spires Of Oxford
I was hoping to post Oxford related enteries whilst we where away but, technology being what it is in the dreamy wilds of Oxfordshire, well actually I couldn't hack in to the wireless network and was not going to pay to use a 'modem' connection.
Any way:
We stayed at the Peartree Oxford Travel Lodge
We ate at the Peartree Oxford Little Chef - breakfast & evening meal
We used the Peartree Roundabout P & R in to Oxford - which was 400 yards from where we were staying!
We visted when there was a Continental Market in town and there was the Folk Festival at which there where various visiting troops of Morris and Molly Dancers from all over the country (most of them seemed to be staying at our Hotel!)
We did one of those Open Top Bus City Tours - where you can get on and off the bus at various points round the city.
Lindsay & Sian did a tour of the colleges.
We visited the village named after our very dear friend - Woodstock - in fact our hotel was on the Woodstock Road. - Sorry no pics of Road Signs saying Woodstock Road - However
We went to Wolvercote and had a drink in the Trout Inn which features in the episode of Morse (Series 2 - The Wolvercote Tongue).
We also made a trip to to the Wolvercote Municipal Cemetary to pay homage to one of my great heroes - the Hobbit Meister himself, J.R.R. Tolkien.
On our way home we stopped at Bletchley Park - the code breaking centre that did so much during the second world war. Where Enigma was broken giving us an edge over the Germans (albeit at a cost). The great thing with Bletchley is your entry fee in fact buys you a season ticket that lasts a year!
Re Visit this oost shortly and I will have some pics up here for you as well!
Any way:
We stayed at the Peartree Oxford Travel Lodge
We ate at the Peartree Oxford Little Chef - breakfast & evening meal
We used the Peartree Roundabout P & R in to Oxford - which was 400 yards from where we were staying!
We visted when there was a Continental Market in town and there was the Folk Festival at which there where various visiting troops of Morris and Molly Dancers from all over the country (most of them seemed to be staying at our Hotel!)
We did one of those Open Top Bus City Tours - where you can get on and off the bus at various points round the city.
Lindsay & Sian did a tour of the colleges.
We visited the village named after our very dear friend - Woodstock - in fact our hotel was on the Woodstock Road. - Sorry no pics of Road Signs saying Woodstock Road - However
We went to Wolvercote and had a drink in the Trout Inn which features in the episode of Morse (Series 2 - The Wolvercote Tongue).
We also made a trip to to the Wolvercote Municipal Cemetary to pay homage to one of my great heroes - the Hobbit Meister himself, J.R.R. Tolkien.
On our way home we stopped at Bletchley Park - the code breaking centre that did so much during the second world war. Where Enigma was broken giving us an edge over the Germans (albeit at a cost). The great thing with Bletchley is your entry fee in fact buys you a season ticket that lasts a year!
Re Visit this oost shortly and I will have some pics up here for you as well!
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