Don't Laugh

This is not funny.

No honestly it is not in the least bit hilarious.

I have been unwell for the last couple of days feeling shaky achy and fluey. I've had a touch of Montys Revenge and this morning I woke up with a what felt like a small planet between my legs!

It is epididymytis time - or in layman's terms - something that hurts like dickens and gives certain parts of ones anatomy delusions of grandeur.

It is something I have suffered with for years, and as it is caused by a very low grade baterical infection it is very difficult to eradicate. I have been courses of anitbiotics as long as 6 months and I've still ended up with it again. Hey Ho!

It's bad enough when I do doamage to myself by being a clumsy arse but when your own body chucks in with a few tricks of its own...

Is The Fen Tiger Vegetarian?

Clipping from the Fenland BugleIs this the infamous Fen Tiger?

Jackanory III

MORE TEA VICAR?

We thought we would get away for a few days.

We went to The Wild Duck caravan park at Belton, Norfolk where we stayed in a friends 'van.

We went without our friends from Cambridge.

We thought we would have a good time.

We thought wrong.

I ended up with a severe case of gout in my toe/foot and ankle. We therefore spent the last day/night of our stay in the caravan, reading books and watching TV as I was unable to walk.

That final evening I was in so much pain that I was unable to sleep.

The next day we packed our belongings in to our car and I managed, some how to drive home.

On arrival at home, I was helped from the car to the front room, I took some pain killers and Lindsay brought me a cup of tea.

Now, lack of sleep, pain killers, and a cup of tea are not always a good combination.

After telling Lindsay that I could stay awake long enough to drink my tea, she went in to the kitchen to start sorting out the dirty washing and loading the washing machine.

In the meantime I was failing spectacularly to stay awake. I managed a couple of times to stop myself going to sleep, but on the third occasion I fell asleep.

No sooner had I arrived in the land of nod than I was being torn from it in almost horror sci-fi fashion as if being plucked from one dimension and thrust in to another.

I was aware of a searing pain in my groin and across my stomach. I leapt up screaming, forgetting about the gout! About 0.33 seconds later I remembered the gout! I screamed again.

Lindsay, being the wonder woman that she is, appeared as if by magic, armed with a towel, cold cloth, cold pack etc, and began to administer first aid to my stomach and nether regions.

I say administer, it was more hold the cold cloth and cold pack in the general direction they were required. A more accurate placement was impossible due to the frequency at which Lindsay was shaking due to the unbridled mirth at my predicament.

The poor little fella's recovered eventually but they were never quite the same after that! As the following picture shows!

Items of interest:

I was browsing the net whilst waiting for my tea to cook - well the sandwich to toast anyway and found the following sites that I thought were interesting. Justclick on the pictures

Sand Pictures

The cast "singing" the theme

The obligatory awh moment!

Hard to describe this one. It is a sort of on-line radio station you click on the buttons etc to indicate the type of music and the mode you are looking for and it will come up with some suggestions for your aural delectation.

Useful instructional video for when
the printer stops working!
(I'll send this to my boss!)

Jackanory II

NEW BALLS PLEASE or WAIT A MINUTE MR POSTMAN

Over the years there have been many stories about our exploits as a family and also about our outings with our dear friends, the Clarke's, from Cambridge.

The are many amusing tales of woe, mis-fortune and things that could only happen in a black & white silent movies starring the Keystone Cops.

However the stories that seem to bring the most joy to others involve two small hairy friends of mine! So I thought what better than to show case all their adventures in one 'posting' ha ha!

Where does one start?

Sheffield Park Garden: The Scene of Two Unwarranted and Unprovoked Instances of Animal Cruelty. How can a place of such beauty be the venue of such flagrant cruelty I hear you ask? How... ! Let me tell you.

Incident One: Involved a day trip to SPG with the Cambridge Crew and a friend of Sian's. As is our want on such trips we tend to, in true hobbit tradition, eat, walk, eat again, walk some more, have tea & cake and then head for home via restaurant where we will stop and have supper.

On this particular visit, having had luncheon we want for a walk round the gardens. This was a visit in May/June time as we had gone to see the Azaleas and Rhododendrons.

Whilst admiring the wonderful blooms I was following Lindsay along the path when the next thing I know I am laying on the ground, seeing stars not flowers and a lump or two in my throat!

One of the specially trained RN Commando posts at SPG on special field manoeuvres ,
you can see the rest of the patrol in the back ground(just)

I had walked slap bang in to a post that had 'just come out of nowhere'. Now, I often read of others misfortune and snigger, especially when I read things like "it was only his pride that was hurt" - well let me tell you it was more than my pride that was hurt. I felt sick for ages afterwards and very dull ache in places where such things should not exist.

Incident Two: Now this incident involves a pair of shorts (remember the shorts oh best beloved) and an ice cream.
On another visit to SPG at Rhododendron time, and being a very warm late spring/early summer afternoon we decided that we would treat ourselves to an ice cream.

We sat by one of the ornamental lakes to partake of the purchased iced confections. On performing that very simple task of sitting I heard an unfriendly sound come from the centre seam of my shorts. A ripping tearing sound. Now due to my seated position and the decision of left and right sides of my shorts deciding to divorce themselves I was in rather an exposed situation. Vis-A-Vis. I was displaying to the world that which should be kept very securely in side undershorts. Trying to adjust my dress but also 'cover' my embarrassment I invited my son to come and join me whilst he ate his iced confection, and in fact sit a short way in front of me with his back to me whilst I sorted myself out. He of course did this without question or argument!!! (not). By the time he actually accepted my invitation the structural integrity of my ice-cream had began to break down.

I was therefore trying to use an uncooperative child as a screen whilst I preserved what little decency I could still muster holding a rapidly melting ice cream. It was at this point Daniel decided he'd had enough and got up and walked off. Far from being able to rescue the situation I had enlarged the rip in the seam of the shorts and had been unable to locate the leg of said undershorts. Just when things could not have got any worse, they did. My Ice Cream had obviously come to the conclusion that as it had failed spectacularly to entice me to eat it, what was it's purpose in life, and it chose that moment to end it all by leaping acrobatically out of the cone that was supporting it, and landing in my very exposed lap.

You will be pleased to know that I did manage to affect a simple repair to the shorts and to retrieve the missing portion of under short. However my two friends had to be treated for severe shock and mild hypothermia.

In know I said at the start of this blog entry that I was going to detail all the stories about my little friends but this is bringing back some very painful memories so I will do these a few at a time I think!

Enjoy!

(c) 2004 & 2007 - Paul Jefford

The Bog Woppit Bugle

Seven days since the last posting. Sorry folks. I have had little enough time to burp let alone blog!

Anyway. It has been an interesting week.

12-03-07 - Sian's Birthday. Our little girl turned 17! It was a quiet day. We were due to go out for a meal as a family to celebrate, but my stomach had other ideas.

13-03-07 - Another quiet day. We were going to go out tonight instead of Monday night to celebrate Sian's birthday, but couldn't get a table at the restaurant we wanted to go to, so that out the mockers on that. Turned out that Sian didn't want to go to that restaurant anyway so lucky really. It was decided that we would go out for an Indian meal on the Wednesday night (as they do a special deal on Wednesday night , Starter, Main Course, Side Dish, plus Rice or Bread for £10/head).

14-03-07 - We made it to the restaurant! We had a meal to celebrate

• Sian's Birthday
• Daniel getting a good report from Parents evening
• My job being funded for the next financial year (the joys of working for a charity)

However, we had to make a pretty fast get away as I started to feel very ill - nothing to do with the food - more to do with the problem I had on Monday having not completely cleared up.

15-03-07 - I was out and about doing my thang as a Circuit Rider - I visited Royston Volunteer Centre. I booked a weekend break for us in Oxford from the 30th March to 2nd April. Staying at a Travel Lodge for 3 nights.

16-03-07 - My mate Duncan's Birthday. I had a very busy day in the office.
Played Taxi in the evening collecting Sian's friend from Waitrose.







17-03-07 - Inundated with friends of Sian! She had arranged to go out for a meal with her new friends from VIth Form College at the Pizza Express in Ely (approx 18 of them). She is going to arrange something with her old school friends for the Easter Holidays.
Lindsey had stayed over last night, Vicky turned up later in the morning. They went in to town and came back later in the afternoon. Lisa and Karl turned up later in the evening.
After the meal Sian had friends back to stay overnight, and not to be left out Daniel had his friend Cameron a.k.a Nigel stay over as well.

18-03-07 - Mothering Sunday.
The day started early as one of our guests had to be at work for 9am - Lindsay had to run her home to Witchford to pick up a forgotten key and then drop her off at work. Karl also had to go to work but didn't start 'til 10.

I cooked breakfast for the remaining guests - Bacon, Cumberland Sausage, Scrambled Egg, Grilled Tomato and Potato Scone, with Tea.

I phoned my mum to wish her happy mothers day.

Lindsay and the kids went off to Ickworth Park to meet up with Lindsays Mum and Dad.

I stayed at home. My arthritis flared up this morning and I've been in a foul mood all day! It takes a day or so for the meds to kick in. I don't need to and can't take this all the time and once it starts working things settle down quickly but its the bit between now and then that is particularly unpleasant.

So there you have it. Another week in the life of us simple country folk!

Easy - Like A Sunday Morning!

My Sunday began at 08:49 when the cat decided she wanted to muscle in to bed. Her slow ponderous walk across the territory that is my voluminous bulk woke me up. I decided at this point it was best to get up and answer natures call.

Between 09:00 and 10:00
Prepped a load of vegetables ready to be made in soup (leeks, carrots, pots, 'snips, brocolli, cabbage) which I then steamed first (thanks woodstock). I added a tin of butter beans and a tin of green lentils (well rinsed), to a large stock pan added the water collected by the steamer ( good stock) and added some water pinch of seasoning and some mixed herbs and left the lot to simmer for about 30 mins before roughly blitzing with a stick blender.

Whilst this was at various stages of developent I made some bread dough which became ciabatta rolls. They were meant to be for lunches through the week - but as ever - homemade bread just does not last as long as shop bought! - probably because it tasted tons better than the shop bought pap!

I also whipped up bacon rolls for breakfast

10:00 to 15:00
Was mostly spent looking at stuff for work - putting the finishing touches to a PowerPoint Presentation that will be used when we deliver a 'workshop' session at the National ICT Hub Annual Conference, which is being held at the Emirates Stadium on 28th March 2007.

The presentation has taken hours to put together. Having been the victim of several appaling presentations in my life, most of which have involved the presenter using really boring PowerPoint slides which they proceed to read out as if they are a teacher addressing 7E.
We have been very careful to make sure ours is not dull and boring. It is instead lively, vibrant, has movement and music and THEY'D BETTER LIKE IT!

I have also been looking at something for my dear friend Woodstock who has been tasked by his chapter of the BNI (yes BNI not BNP) to develop a way fo recording meetings between members. My very dear friend is an excellent painter, decorator, handyman etc - check out his company AKS Services, but his computer skills are a bit limited. We operate a barter system, I do computer stuff for him and he does odd jobs and decorating for me. It works very well.

I also have had to try and diagnose a fault with my daughters laptop and suspect it is a faulty hard drive, but in the meantime I have got her machine working by running a live boot version of X-UBUNTU (a particular flavour of Linux) so although at the moment her whole machine is running off a CD she can connect to the internet and check emails and websites etc!

I have also sorted out a problem with one of the memory cards we have for the digital camera.

I didn't watch the football as my boys nearly always lose to Chelsea - so discover my shock when I found out that not only did the match end 3-3 we were 3-1 up at half-time and this was at the Bridge as well.

For much the same reasons I did not watch the Rugby either, the way we played against Ireland was so bad the was only going to be one outcome of the game against France - we would win it of course - Typical! I did manage to catch snippits of the Rugby on the Radio when we went over to Littleport to pick Sian up from her friends house. On the way back we stopped and had an Ice Cream which we ate whilst walking along by the river. (It has been a perfect spring day in this part of the world.)

We were a bit peckish and our path back to the car took as past the best chips shop in town so we had to have a portion or two of chips in paper cones and use little blus plastic forks to eat them with!

When we got home it was put a chicken in the oven, have a cup of tea and then go across the road to the Community Rooms and assist Lindsay in her cleaning duties thereof.

Having cleaned the community rooms it was back home. Do a bit more work, then watch some TV.

We had dinner about 7 - 7:30

After dinner, I watched a bit more TV, but fell asleep!

Anyway. It's now 23:40 and its time for bed.

Why England Fail On The Big Sporting Occassions

After the recent lack lustre performances of our soccer team may be they could learn from those who play with oval balls (leave it out - behave!).

<---- Click Here!

I mean Morris dancing is hardly going to intimidate the opposition! Mind you they will be laughing so much we might stand a chance...

Smile

Click on the Smiley Face

Sit back.

Relax and be prepared to laugh your socks off!


Priceless!

Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory

People who know us are aware of our inability to go out anywhere and have a normal day out, or undertake the simplest tasks without it turning in to a 5 Act Wagnerian Saga. Over the years we have accumulated many tales of just such adventures.

Some of you may have already read these - I refuse to apologies - it's your own fault for being sad and leading boring ordinary lives.

Rather than post all the stories in one go I shall post them at regular intervals under the Jackanory banner.

I would like to thank all those involved in our adventures for their (unwilling/unplanned/innocent) participation. (You know who you are)

The say Truth is Stranger Than Fiction - It can be a lot more painful.

The North Face of the Eiger

Once upon a Saturday afternoon, the week after Christmas 2006 I was getting ready to put the Christmas Tree and the boxes of decorations away in our loft.

I needed to spend a few minutes in the loft moving stuff around so that I could actually get up there and put things away properly rather than jammed in around the loft opening.

Before I went up in to the loft Daniel asked me if I could look for his old Action Man stuff. As anyone over 40 will know when you have three things to do at the same time you just about manage to remember two of them and forget the third. So I forgot to look for the Action Man stuff..

Daniel starts giving it some lip and says that he will go up in to the loft and look for it himself.

So intrepid Chris Bonnington sets out from Base Camp with light equipment, no breathing apparatus, and no emergency rations as this is after all a merely fact finding climb before starting a proper ascent on the North Face.

Supported by Sherpa Dad our intrepid hero starts his climb and get 2/3rds of the way up the ladder and develops a terminal case of brown trousers and aborts the attempt due to adverse wind conditions.

After a brief discussion with the Climb Controller (aka Mum), our brave mountaineer makes his second attempt at the exploratory climb, and, like a rat up a drain pipe completes the ascent in 3.2 seconds (although this will not stand for record purposes as it was a wind assisted climb). Triumphant and overjoyed at his success Daniel strikes out across the plateau and after a minute arrives at Camp Action Man (a small collection of boxes halfway along the loft).

Reassured that the Action Man stuff is still in the loft and has not been taken, under cover of darkness, to a jumble sale or charity shop, Daniel carefully retraces his steps to the edge of the plateau and makes preparations for his descent.

It is at this point he decides that he cannot get down out of the loft. We start with some gentle cajoling and general reassuring that all he has to do is kneel down sling his leg on the ladder and Bobs your Uncle, Fanny’s your Aunt.

Obviously not reassuring enough as he still is not convinced at the ease of the descent. “How did you get down off the 20 foot climbing wall?” we asked, (the previous half term he had been up and down a mobile climbing wall when it came on to our estate)

“Abseiled!” he cried. “After someone pushed me off as I couldn’t let go at the top!”

By now Lindsay and I are beginning to think that letting him up in the loft was not a good idea.

“You’ve been up in the loft before with Roger(the plumber) and you got down OK so what was different then?” “He had a big pair of step ladders and I only had to put my foot down a little way on to the flat step bit at the top” “Go and get our step ladder Dad I can manage on that!” I tried to point out this would be futile as our steps are very short and hence the reason for the ladder we have now.

Change of tack. We send in mountain rescue! I go up in to the loft with Daniel and Lindsay is on the ladder to help him climb down. Easy! Yeah right!

I managed to get him in to descent position and he has one leg over the top of the ladder which Lindsay is holding in place (the leg and the ladder) and Daniel is clinging on to my trousers like his very existence depends on it. I am in the process of helping him move the other leg on to the ladder when he starts to freak out. He goes ram rod straight and stiff, screaming that we are trying to throw him down the ladder, that he can’t do this, he hates us, get the other ladder!!!!!

Daniel is totally hysterical so we try the slap the face routine- that worked - he accuses me of assault as well trying to throw him down the ladder and mentions Child Line, I said I get him the phone and dial him the number.

Sian is beside herself and totally freaked by Daniel’s behavior and screams up for us all to shut up. He starts to hyper ventilate.Lindsay goes down stairs to get a paper bag to stop the hyper-ventillation to find Sian collapsed on the floor surrounded by broken glass and she shouts up that I’ll have to get my own bag as Sian is unconscious.

I decided to fore go the paper bag and instead fetch said ladder from shed and take it up stairs. Daniel takes one look at it and passes comment about how short it is and he thought it was taller. By now I have lost it. I shorten the ladder by one step, climb up to the loft opening, invite Daniel to step on to the ladder other wise he won't need the ladder to get down out of the loft.

Eventually after 45 mins I manage get him to terra ferma. You will not be surprised to hear that Daniel has removed Mountain climbing from his list of work experience options for year 10.

It's amazing what you find when your looking something else!

Whilst hunting for a particular photo I came across some 'pics' taken on our trip to York just before Christmas 2006.
We stayed at the and it was great. We love staying at the Hostel but this was a real treat.

Be warned some people may find the following images disturbing. You have been warned.

<- Daniel trying to look cool outside Shared Earth

<-- Our mate Michael a.k.a the Purple Man.
If you ever meet him ask him to
tell you about the ostrich!

York Minster in all its Glory

"Reflections" (c) Paul Jefford 2007

Sian trying to ignore Stephanie
her nose piercing!

One is a phat bloke in a silly hat
The other - The York Eye
(like the London Eye only further north!)
(all pictures are the property of Paul Jefford (c) 2007)

Hobbits On Tour!

The Cambridgshire Lodge of the Most Esteemed Order of Latter Day Hobbits held its first commitee meeting of the year at Anglesey Abbey, Lode, Cambridgeshire.

In attendance were -

Pearl Bunce of Brockenborings - Social/Events Secretary

Hambut Bunce of Brockenborings - Chairman
Lobelia Bumbleroot of Fair Downs - Secretary
and Mungo Bumbleroot of Fair Downs - Treasurer

(every wondered what your hobbit name is? click here)



The Cambridgeshire Lodge of the Most Esteemed Order of Latter Day Hobbits - l to r Hambut, Pearl, Mungo & Lobelia








The first order of business was - FOOD!!! Homemade soup and homemade cheese& onion scone.
After this important item a motion was passed - well the ladies powdered their noses, and we are too gentlemenly to ask why they take so long ...!!!!

As their were no Proudfoots or Proudfeet it was a case of Best Feet forward and a very enjoyable stroll round the Winter Walk. (It is easy to imagine oneself back in the shire!)

After this very strenous activity it was proposed and seconded, thirded and forthed that afternoon tea was required. So tea, scones, cream and jam were consumed to assuage the pangs of hunger and give us the strength to last until dinner!

The meeting was adjourned with the date of the next lodge meeting being - as soon as possible!

Remember - Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather, to skid in sideways, glass of wine in one hand and chocolate dipped strawberries in the other, body thoroughly abused and totally worn out, screaming "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!"

Much love to all fellow hobbits

Where did February Go?

I believe that 2007 had a month called February. Personally I don't remember seeing it so I can't comment, but those whom I trust tell me it did exist. Perhaps, as it is a short month, I blinked and I missed it!

Apart from being frantically busy at work and beginning to have a bit of a social life, plus going on courses etc I am having to diarise sections of my days to breath in and out!

Enough already! In all seriousness what have I been doing for the past month?

Getting over the shock of England actually winning 5 Cricket One Day Internationals back-to-back and winning an O.D.I. trophy.

Watching England's Rugby Team begin to look like it knows how to play the game (well, yes, lets not mention Croke Park!).

Attending a Linux Training Course, and a MS ACCESS course.

Having a £290 haircut! - Let me explain, I went to town one afternoon to get a haircut only to find the barbers shut, so I made the mistake of looking in the music shop window and falling in love with a guitar that I simply had to have so I spent £280 on a guitar and £10 on the haircut the next day!

BTW the guitar? An Aria Travel Guitar. It is nothing more than a guitar neck - with the tuning pegs at the wrong end - and it has a couple of detachable frames that turn it in to a more conventinal guitar shape. It is also electric - well it can be used through an amp. Absolutely fantastic, and it fits in to a case about 90cm x 30cm x 8cm ( 3ft x 1ft x 3 inches).

Lindsay was absolutely thrilled!!!

Speaking of Lindsay, she and I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary on the 16th Feb.
Feastivities started with a bouquet of carnations being delivered to Lindsay, who not only was not at home when they arrived, spectacularly failed to notice a huge great cellophane wrapped arrangement, laying on the kitchen table when she did get home!!

Dinner at Pizza Express was followed by a concert at the Haywood Theatre, Ely(part of the Kings School - arranged by the local Rotary Club, of 1940's big band music - Glen Miller, Count Basie, Duke Ellington etc. The band - OPUS 17 - were excellent, and Lindsay and I revelled in the fact that we could count the number of people younger than us on the fingers on one hand! It was a definite mothballs and pearls do!

Daniels finished his latest stint at the Green Box, Education Alternatives Unit, at Witchford and is now back at City of Ely Community College, albeit on a much reduced cirriculum and time-table. Put simply, because of all the time Daniel missed when he was off ill, it would be negligent of the school to expect him to carry on with a full timetable, and try and take 9 or 10 GCSE's. SO they have decided to concentrate on Maths and English plus photography (which is Daniel's particular favourite) and they will introduce Science and I.T. back in to the mix in a couple of weeks.

Sian is still doing OK at college, although she has just been a through a short "Am I doing the right thing?", "I hate all my subjects" lack of motivation phase, but a chat with her tutors has put her back on track.

Well that's it for now. I'll try not leave the next post so long!