Farewell Blogspot

Hi

I'm finding it harder than ever to keep sites going so if you are still wanting to know what I'm up to then come see me at my myspace page.

Passing Of The Marmite Loving Fen Tiger aka Oliver

R.I.P.

b. circa end1988/start1989 - d.28.10.07 11:59

Oliver the marmite loving, cheese addict, chocolate stealing, broccoli munching, very dear friend of us all, sadly died today after what we think was a stroke.

She will be very sadly missed.

Our sincere thanks to the staff of Cathedral Veterinary Practice in Ely.

A small funeral was held, at which the family said a personal goodbye.

Oliver became a member of our family in September/October 1989. Lindsay and I were recovering from a horrendous car accident, and this little ginger kitten appeared on the doorstep one day. The kitten came in, was fed, and put outside again. This happened a few times but, unable to take a hint, and coming back for 'more' - Oliver - joined our other 3 cats (Merlin, Shandy and Twizzle) as a permanent resident.

Oliver was in fact "Olivia", but by the time we realised (when the vet said she could not neuter the cat as it had nothing to cut off!) the name had stuck and Oliver she remained.

We sadly lost the original trio in the same year (about 8 years ago) (Merlin in the January and Twizzle and Shandy in the summer a day apart). So Oliver has been the cat for quite a while.

Now we are cat-less and will remain so.

Do you know I really am going to miss having to share my toast or hide chocolate...

Why You Little.........DOH!

Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Car Gone!

Now, those of you who are lucky enough to have met wife know what an absolute angel she is. Always putting others before for self, without thought of favour.

Well some mindless cretin(s) decided it would be a joke to take her car for a drive in the early hours of Tuesday Morning.

So at 5:45am when she went out to work and found her car gone, I think even her closets friends would've had a job recognising her. Incandescent with rage does not even get close to the mark.
In fact had she been able to get her hands on the miscreants in the first half hour of finding the theft, I think, the perpetrators would have been minus various appendages.

Now her little car was quite old (a J) and only cost £500 pounds, but it was her little car and she bought it herself. It gave her independence, the ability to take on jobs further a field, Oh and provide a Taxi Service for the kids!

Sian showed suitable concern when she learned of the situation, Daniel on the other hand said, does that mean we have to walk!!! Kids! I love them, but I couldn't eat a whole one (ironic that should be a line from an advert for a Frozen Meal product, I think, were it was delivered by a butler type character played by Chris Langham.)

And it was all the 'bits' in the car like Cedric the Rabbit and Claude the Crab that kept the dashboard warm. Oh and there was all the books and 'stuff' that Lindsay had sorted out for jumble sales and the Red Cross, oh and her winter coat and her hat for work, and a wine making kit that has lived in the boot of the car since the day Lindsay bought it from a friend about a year ago!

Lindsay reported the theft to the Police and the Insurance Company.

Then went off to work in my car. When she got back she went round to the neighbours to see if they had seen anything or heard anything strange. One or two of them have camera's and there was a possibility that these may have caught something. (NO SUCH LUCK)
One of the neighbours mentioned some names to Lindsay who have a history of this very thing. Lindsay came home and was about to call the police when a PC turned up at the door.
She recounted her tale to the PC and the name(s) were not new to him.

Anyway, later that afternoon Lindsay received a call to say that her car had been found in a ditch between Littleport and Upwell (on a straight piece of road). The chap at the garage where the car was taken reckons that as they broke the steering lock when the broke in, what ever the did did not immobilise the steering lock completely and this came on leaving the thieves with no steering and no escape from the ditch. FUCKING GOOD JOB! -> I don't normally hold with foul language being used openly in blogs etc but on this occasion....

---ooo0ooo---

We the had another call on Wednesday from the PC to say he was with the car and there were still personal property in the car and we would need to make arrangements to collect them.
The good news was that Cedric and Claude were still in one piece - as was most of the wine making kit. (including one of the demi johns which was used by the little darlings to try and raise the car up so they could rock it out of the ditch).

So we wandered over to Littleport to collect the stuff from the car. Which apart from being full of fen soil, was undamaged relatively. But because the work needing doing on the car came to more than £3 6" 4D (Three Pounds Six Shillings and Four Pence) (£3.40!) it was uneconomic to repair and therefore WRITE OFF!

And the daft thing is the only thing they thieved from from car was a Christmas Present that did not get delivered(a fluffy pink glove and scarf set) and a white catering hat!!

This should make the b@st@rds easy to identify.

I hope the pink doesn't clash with the shell suits, although white does go with most things! (mind you they'll probably wearing those burgundy numbers with the black trousers!)

++++STOP PRESS++++

Police have released the following photofit of a suspect in this case of Grand Theft Auto

Another Tell Of Woe & Damage

Hello dear readers!

http://cambscircuitrider.blogspot.com/2007/10/that-will-teach-me-to-go-on-holiday.html

The above link will take you to the latest story of mis-adventure involving yours truly!
(Sorry this is just about me, my two best friends weren't involve

Crab Apple Sauce!!

Wozniak hates Open Sauce

Undoes all the good Apple bought into the world

By Nick Farrell: Tuesday, 25 September 2007, The Inquirer

Nick goes on to say in his article

"THE OTHER FOUNDER of the entertainment gear maker Apple has issued a stinging attack on Open Source (in an interview with eWeek) .

Steve Wozniak described Open Saucers as a "group of people who want to undo the forces of industry that have given us so much in terms of wealth"."

The great Woz goes on to say "...the good points in Open Sauce have nothing to do with whether the software is free or not... the best part about it is the idea of developing something and then making it known"

Read the full article here

The Man Eating Futon Of Chapel Hill!

19:15 - A Weekend In The Wilds.................of Lincolnshire
Current mood: peaceful

Yes Folks. I ventured in to that dangerous, uncharted, wilderness known as Lincolnshire this weekend.

Was I there to meet up with some famous explorer who had dropped out of contact with the out side world a-la Dr Livingstone? - NO!

I was there to see my dad who is in hospital having had a hip replacement.

He had the op on Thursday 31st May, and I went up to stay with my mum on Friday.

Dad got the operation OK and the surgical team were and are very pleased with him. He is walking with the aid of a frame - and tomorrow (Monday) the physio team are going to get him walking with crutches and put him through his paces up ad down stairs. If things go to plan he should be home on Tuesday/Wednesday of this week.

This has been a family support operation! My sister and her family stayed with mum & dad this week just gone so they were there when he went in to hospital. They went Friday night, I was there Friday through til this late afternoon.

My brother will be there from tomorrow through til Thursday.

So we have been trapsing back and to the hospital for afternoon and evening visiting. Luckily the hosptial is only 15 miles from my parents house but it still takes 30 mins to get there as its all country roads ( all round Will's mothers as they say round here!).

However the really excitement has had nothing to do with operations, hopsitals, visiting etc. Oh No.

Friday night I was attacked by a man eating Foton. I also made the mistake of using the loo with the light off and ended up using not moist toilet tissue but Parazone Bleach Wipes, and that was after suffering the ignominy of getting stuck when trying to sit on the loo without moving the device that has been placed over it so it is the right height for dad to use when he gets home. (Designed for Hip Op patients not lardy arses that weigh 22 stone). SO having decided I need to move said contraption I then manged to get it tangled up in my jeans so I nearly fall over the damn thing!

Oh, I had a second run in with the man eating futon this morning. I was returning to my room having showered and dressed, and on entering i managed to step on my watch which dug in to my foot and made me lose my balance. I landed on the end of the futon and the top ended up on me!! I was laughing so much I couldnt get up!

So what with, no broadband, the killer futon, the spicy wet wipes it was more than I simple soul could bear. Oh then to make things complete I spent the last evening of my stay in the company of the Witches Of East Wick! (Well my aunty came up to stay, so what with her and my mum!) only joking!

But I'm back now. In the real world.

Yippee!

Ouch I

22:18 - Ouch - Part 1 Current mood: uncomfortable Category: Life Lunar Module Commanders Log - 21:14 230507 Having taken the shuttle for a succesful test flight earlier today I was returning the launch vehicle to its hanger when the incident occured. My co-commander was entering the craft and slipped whilst climbing up on to the flight deck. I instinctively shot a hand to catch her and pull her in to her flight seat. Not sure quite what happened but sufficit to say I ended up with my hand and wrist squashed against the side of my own seat. After screaming several obscenities I then proceeded to carry out the mission at hand. (no pun intended). By the time I returned home my wrist and thumb very very painful and swollen. I managed to get off to sleep, but the pain woke me in the night and I had to apply some ice treatment and take strong painkillers. 24 hours on - My wrist is still sore (sprained), my thumb is painful but now mobile after being put back in to joint! Currently Listening : Mezmerize By System of a Down Release date: By 17 May, 2005

Ouch II

22:36 - Ouch II Current mood: gloomy Category: Life Jubilee Gardens, Ely, Cambs. 240507-20:00 Seating underneath the arbour, eating fish and chips and sharing with the ducks. Turned to get another piece of bread - WHAM! Felt like I had been shot in the right testicle. My boxer shorts decided to perform a rather tricky manouve called the half ball twang. Seating in a normal position all was OK, but the miniscule change in position was enough to tighten the seam of my under garment which had enough of an obstacle to cause said problem to be flicked unceremoniously out of the way and cause me to feel very sick and in rather a lot of discomfort. Currently Listening : Not Accepted Anywhere By The Automatic Release date: By 24 July, 2006

The Moose Strike Back!

Just when you thought it was safe...

Yes sports fans. The Moose is alive and well and living in an office somewhere in the outlands of Ely.

He was spotted today trying to walk from one side of said office to the other.

Whilst he did manage to achieve this death defying manouver with out the aide of a safety net (and with out getting the laces of one boot caught round the other) it was not all plain sailing for Alces alces.

Instead of thinking he was Rudolph Nureyev, this time he thought he was Paul Daniels, and performed the pulling the table cloth off the table and leaving everything else behind trick.

Well.......... sort of!

It was more, got his boot caught in the lead of his head phones that were on the desk and pulling everything on to the floor and leaving the desk behind!!!

Got to hand it to him he is keen to have a go a new skills!

Do Mooses Dance?

"Do mooses dance?"
The young boy cried,
not believing what
his eyes'd just spied

"What's that you say?"
His parents said
Both very worried
about their little Fred

"Mooses! Do They Dance?"
asked the boy once again
Now Fred was worried
Was he going insane

"Look out the window!"
The young man cried
And so they did
then stared at each other, mouths open wide

It had to be true
Although unheard of before
but they could see a moose
in the next field take to the floor.

Standing proud on two legs
It tottered around
It was a miracle that it didn't
Land splat on the ground.

With a flare that alluded
Astaire and Kelly
It looked like the creature
Was tapping in wellies!

With a final pirouette
came the end of the waltz
Then Fred and Parents
Saw they were at fault

It wasn't a moose
doing a bit of soft shoe
but an 'ordinary' man
well, a clumsy old fool

Who somehow managed
(with great skill and grace)
to get tangled up
in a simple bootlace

The loop of lace
of the boot on the right
hooked around the left boot
and thus started the plight

Simply moving his feet
Put things in motion.
22 stone on the move is a
frightening notion

In an attempt to avoid
Landing flat on his face
The poor chap had to try to
dislodge that rogue lace

And this he managed.
Though no ones sure how.
One minute he was tripping
The next taking a bow.

Do mooses dance?
Not bloody likely
It's just fat clumsy men
Who cant tie their boots tightly!

Friends!

To have friends is to be blessed. To have true friends is to be truely blessed. I'm not on about the smaltzy TV sitcom variety.

I mean the sort you phone in the middle of the night when life is being a bitch and you need the voice of reason.

I mean the sort that you can go on holiday with on more than one occasion and still remain friends. I mean the sort that you can talk about anything with.

I mean the sort that you don't have to talk about anything, in fact you don't have to say anything yet still derive pleasure from being in their company.

I mean the sort that will help you no matter what the situation and not note it down as a favour to be reclaimed at some future date.

I mean the sort that like you for just being you.

Friendship is less about what you say & do and more about who you are .
It is about being able to tell the truth without apology.

It is about being able to spend time together over good food with or without alcohol, tell stories of ancient daring do, recount the latest senior moments (if you can remember them!), and laugh with others as they laugh with you at the latest embarrassing thing to have happened since you last met.

Andrew, Sharon, Kat - Thank You

Wallace & Grommit - In A Very Close Shave

Tired of unsightly hair?

Fed up with using creams or waxes?

Shaving driving you to distraction?

Then we have the answer.

1. buy a new pair of jeans
2. pick a chair on which the seat can move as can the whole chair - i.e. a computer chair
3. sit injudiciously on the aforementioned chair
4. in sitting do not take in to consideration the toughness of the crotch seam or in correct dressing
5. realise you have sat 'awkwardly' and wiggle to gain a more comfortable position
6. sit back, and 'relax' as they wiggling does nothing more than make the situation worse
7. jump smartly to attention as that nuisance hair is ripped by its roots from your personage

[Please note this method of hair removely must only be undertaken by a professional!]

Oh, Oh, Oh, What A Lovely War!

Whilst putting together a presentation for work, and listening to music, I came a cross a Pogues Album on which is a track called The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.(<- click here to listen to a version by the Clancey Brothers - not the Pogues!) A folk song written in 70's by Eric Boggle it tells the story of the ill fated Galipoli campaign in which so many especiallyANZAC's lost their lives or where injured. However, whilst about this specific battle, the narrative coould be applied to any war, just the names and times would be different.

I was moved by the lyrics in a way I have not experienced for a long time.

It reminds me of my paternal grandfather who, took the Kings Shilling and joined up to take part in the Great War, The War To End All War - World War I.

He was underage, and, he ended up on the Somme. I am not sure how long he was there, all I know is he was badly injured in a Mustard Gas attack and was invalided out of the army.

I cannot imagine facing the horrors of trench warfare as a grown man, but as a boy of 15?

I have asked my dad if granddad ever talked about the war. Apparently not, he would only say that he was one of the unlucky few to come back.

I, unfortunately, never got to really know him as I was about 5 when he died.

Anyway here are the lyrics;

Now when I was a young man I carried me pack
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.

And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.






And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.

But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.


And those that were left, well, we tried to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.

For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.





So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.

But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.



And so now every April, I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.

But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.

Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?

++++STOP PRESS++++STOP PRESS++++STOP P

Reports are just coming in over the wires of another attack on small furry creatures.

The latest incident happened at around 08:25 this morning.

The owner of said creatures was reclining in his bath tub. He reached up to the soap dish for a bar of soap but in doing so knocked over a shampoo bottle balanced on its cap which had a skittle like effect on other items also on the window sill.

In an attempt to avoid an avalanche of toiletries, the gentleman managed to catch the mug of tea that he had taken in to the bathroom with him to finish at his leisure whilst going about his ablutions.

He managed to stop the avalanche and the mug descending in to the bath, however he was not so fortunate with the contents of the mug, which obeying the laws of physics, leapt straight out of the mug and, due to the depth of the bath - (as they say in cookery books "barely cover with water"), all over the unfortunate creatures.

The good news is the tea had cooled so no permanent damage was sustained however treatment was administered at the scene for mild shock.

A Trip To The Seaside

A Trip To The Seaside

Take a trip to the seaside
Turn left down Memory Lane
To the hallowed days of childhood
Remember those trips to the beach!?

Swim Suits, Sun Oil, pink plastic shoes
Stripey Deckchairs
Paddling
Warm cheese sarnies wrapped in tinfoil (with sand)
Hot Lemonade (with sand)
Lyons Victoria Sandwich Sponge Cake
Castle shaped buckets and little paper flags
99's with strawberry sauce...and nuts...and sand
Socks & Sandals
White String Vests and Varicose Veins
Dads groovy sun hat (use 101 of a white cotton hanky. Use 102? Blow your nose on it!)
Rock Pools, Crabbing, Kites!
The lure of the pier.
Lobster Red flesh
1000's of people
Noise, noise, noise
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip?

What about
Thermos Flasks filled with steaming Bovril?
Vest, T-Shirt, Pullover, Thick Jumper Nan knitted for your birthday,
duffle coat, mittens on strings, a stripey scarf, last used by Action Man as a getaway rope?
Paddington Wellies - were yours red or blue?
Fear of falling over as you would need a rescue party to stand you up
December/January?
Kites! (Peter Powell Stunt Kites - Bright Blue with flurorescent pink tails)
No one within 5 miles?
Pick of the beach?

(We invented kite surfing.
Take One Blustery Day in December
Add one small, slightly built, 5 year old child
One wooden framed stripey deckchair
Wait until Dad/Granddad/Mum/Nan has vacated seat and the wind begins to move the chair
Attach small boy
Stand Back
Watch as small boy is dragged along ground by deckchair as the seat cloth demonstrates how a sail works!)

Frozen Fingers?
Blue Lips?
0's of people?
At days end the news paper parcel
The aroma of vinegar steam
Burning your tongue on the first chip

(c) Paul Jefford 2007 (23-04-07)

It Just Came Out Of Nowhere!

I have the very onerous task of reporting, what in aviation circles, would be deemed a near miss.

The aforementioned incident happened on the forecourt of Tesco Filling Station in Ely Cambridgeshire at 11:53 and 39 seconds on the morning of Sunday, 22nd April 2007.

The parties involved where an A.T.M., a steel security post, and two of Elkman Jeffs' closest friends.

Having filled the car with fuel ready for a trip to the seaside, (with the Clarkes), a stop was made at the on site Cash Machine to withdraw some vouchers to cover the cost of refuelling us after a strenuous day of relaxing on the beach!

Whilst in the process of withdrawing cash, a steel post - standing some 3' 6" tall crept up behind the Elkman, and just as he turned to move away from the ATM it did, with malice aforethought, leap wrecklessly and with out heed to its own, or anyone elses safety, towards its target.

With a grace, deftness, and agility not seen since the days of Nureyev, the Elkman managed to avoid a catastrophic collision which would have resulted in the hospitilisation of his two closest and most constant companions (as well as the rest of his moose like physique!)

That side step would have graced any rugby field!

SO no tales of harm to report (sorry Mavis!) just a very very near miss!

All Hail Woodstock

Finally!

I have managed to get round to posting the photo's from Oxford and in particular all the signs I photographed in honour of our very dear friend Woodstock a.k.a Wee Man, Andrew, Mr Clarke... (click on Woodstock)

We are not worthy!

For some more general shots of Oxford click on the badge.

These include shots of the International Market, some of Oxford's more famous buildings, (the Sheldonian, the Radliffe Camera etc)

We also visited the grave of the Hobbit Master, J R R Tolkien and paid silent homage to great man.
I was struck by the simplicity of his plot which he share with his wife. His eldest son is also buried near by.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Saturday 14th April 2007 is a good day.

I actually feel much better, I have managed to stay up for a good few hours.

We decided to go to Anglesey Abbey this afternoon for a bot of fresh air and on the spur of the moment phoned our dear friends, the Clarke's to see if they were able to join us. They could!

We meet up around 3.30pm, had a cup of tea and piece of cake, went for a walk, got back to the shop and found the restaurant closed, so no second afternoon tea :(

Sian decided it would be good if everyone came back to ours for tea.

So they did. Stopping at Tesco's for bread, cheese, nibbles and of course, desserts! (that's another story!)

So we had tea.

I can safely say that the light definitely pierces the darkness. The simple fact of beginning to feel better, add to the simple combination of trees, blues sky, warm sun, fresh air and very dear friends has a therapeutic effect that should not be under estimated.

This diamond is still crazy but is shining again.

The Dark Sight of a Loon (apologies to Messrs Walters, Gilmour, Mason & Wright)

I am not unique, many people have dealt with illness far more serious than the experience I had years ago when I was diagnosed as having M.E.

In fact my son has also been diagnosed with the condition and is making steady progress towards a recovery.

Each sufferers' experience although in principle should be similar it's not ME is very much about me, I, the first person. But is it as singular as it sounds?

Almost more tragic is the effect it has on the ones that love us, care for us, hold us to together when we are falling apart, put us back together when we have fallen apart... (the same is true of any illness)

When I went through my ME experience I could not have done it without my dear wife, Lindsay, and my children, Sian and Daniel, it was their unconditional love that shone through all the blackness and despair.

Why am I telling you all this?

Last week I was off ill with a really nasty virus, the pole-axing, proper 'flu type virus, in fact 9 days later and I still feel like ... Anyway one night last week I awoke having had some very frightening and disturbing dreams and I suddenly felt lost, afraid, and swamped with doubt and black despair...

I used to keep a weekly diary of how I felt so I could discuss it with my CPN (the diaries don't exist now as I destroyed them when I got better) anyway, I lot of my observations were written almost as poetry


So if you were ever wondering what goes on in my head and if the diary still existed and I had written what I had felt after those dreams it would have been something like

why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
I see the flame, feel its heat
yet I am blind
the cold blackness of despair
envelopes my very soul
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
what demons within
swallow up hope
turn all to night
what cruelty keeps me sighted
yet forbids me to see
why does the light
no more pierce the darkness
is this my life i see before me
why...

The Dreaming Spires Of Oxford

I was hoping to post Oxford related enteries whilst we where away but, technology being what it is in the dreamy wilds of Oxfordshire, well actually I couldn't hack in to the wireless network and was not going to pay to use a 'modem' connection.

Any way:

We stayed at the Peartree Oxford Travel Lodge

We ate at the Peartree Oxford Little Chef - breakfast & evening meal

We used the Peartree Roundabout P & R in to Oxford - which was 400 yards from where we were staying!

We visted when there was a Continental Market in town and there was the Folk Festival at which there where various visiting troops of Morris and Molly Dancers from all over the country (most of them seemed to be staying at our Hotel!)

We did one of those Open Top Bus City Tours - where you can get on and off the bus at various points round the city.

Lindsay & Sian did a tour of the colleges.

We visited the village named after our very dear friend - Woodstock - in fact our hotel was on the Woodstock Road. - Sorry no pics of Road Signs saying Woodstock Road - However

We went to Wolvercote and had a drink in the Trout Inn which features in the episode of Morse (Series 2 - The Wolvercote Tongue).

We also made a trip to to the Wolvercote Municipal Cemetary to pay homage to one of my great heroes - the Hobbit Meister himself, J.R.R. Tolkien.

On our way home we stopped at Bletchley Park - the code breaking centre that did so much during the second world war. Where Enigma was broken giving us an edge over the Germans (albeit at a cost). The great thing with Bletchley is your entry fee in fact buys you a season ticket that lasts a year!

Re Visit this oost shortly and I will have some pics up here for you as well!

Don't Laugh

This is not funny.

No honestly it is not in the least bit hilarious.

I have been unwell for the last couple of days feeling shaky achy and fluey. I've had a touch of Montys Revenge and this morning I woke up with a what felt like a small planet between my legs!

It is epididymytis time - or in layman's terms - something that hurts like dickens and gives certain parts of ones anatomy delusions of grandeur.

It is something I have suffered with for years, and as it is caused by a very low grade baterical infection it is very difficult to eradicate. I have been courses of anitbiotics as long as 6 months and I've still ended up with it again. Hey Ho!

It's bad enough when I do doamage to myself by being a clumsy arse but when your own body chucks in with a few tricks of its own...

Is The Fen Tiger Vegetarian?

Clipping from the Fenland BugleIs this the infamous Fen Tiger?

Jackanory III

MORE TEA VICAR?

We thought we would get away for a few days.

We went to The Wild Duck caravan park at Belton, Norfolk where we stayed in a friends 'van.

We went without our friends from Cambridge.

We thought we would have a good time.

We thought wrong.

I ended up with a severe case of gout in my toe/foot and ankle. We therefore spent the last day/night of our stay in the caravan, reading books and watching TV as I was unable to walk.

That final evening I was in so much pain that I was unable to sleep.

The next day we packed our belongings in to our car and I managed, some how to drive home.

On arrival at home, I was helped from the car to the front room, I took some pain killers and Lindsay brought me a cup of tea.

Now, lack of sleep, pain killers, and a cup of tea are not always a good combination.

After telling Lindsay that I could stay awake long enough to drink my tea, she went in to the kitchen to start sorting out the dirty washing and loading the washing machine.

In the meantime I was failing spectacularly to stay awake. I managed a couple of times to stop myself going to sleep, but on the third occasion I fell asleep.

No sooner had I arrived in the land of nod than I was being torn from it in almost horror sci-fi fashion as if being plucked from one dimension and thrust in to another.

I was aware of a searing pain in my groin and across my stomach. I leapt up screaming, forgetting about the gout! About 0.33 seconds later I remembered the gout! I screamed again.

Lindsay, being the wonder woman that she is, appeared as if by magic, armed with a towel, cold cloth, cold pack etc, and began to administer first aid to my stomach and nether regions.

I say administer, it was more hold the cold cloth and cold pack in the general direction they were required. A more accurate placement was impossible due to the frequency at which Lindsay was shaking due to the unbridled mirth at my predicament.

The poor little fella's recovered eventually but they were never quite the same after that! As the following picture shows!

Items of interest:

I was browsing the net whilst waiting for my tea to cook - well the sandwich to toast anyway and found the following sites that I thought were interesting. Justclick on the pictures

Sand Pictures

The cast "singing" the theme

The obligatory awh moment!

Hard to describe this one. It is a sort of on-line radio station you click on the buttons etc to indicate the type of music and the mode you are looking for and it will come up with some suggestions for your aural delectation.

Useful instructional video for when
the printer stops working!
(I'll send this to my boss!)

Jackanory II

NEW BALLS PLEASE or WAIT A MINUTE MR POSTMAN

Over the years there have been many stories about our exploits as a family and also about our outings with our dear friends, the Clarke's, from Cambridge.

The are many amusing tales of woe, mis-fortune and things that could only happen in a black & white silent movies starring the Keystone Cops.

However the stories that seem to bring the most joy to others involve two small hairy friends of mine! So I thought what better than to show case all their adventures in one 'posting' ha ha!

Where does one start?

Sheffield Park Garden: The Scene of Two Unwarranted and Unprovoked Instances of Animal Cruelty. How can a place of such beauty be the venue of such flagrant cruelty I hear you ask? How... ! Let me tell you.

Incident One: Involved a day trip to SPG with the Cambridge Crew and a friend of Sian's. As is our want on such trips we tend to, in true hobbit tradition, eat, walk, eat again, walk some more, have tea & cake and then head for home via restaurant where we will stop and have supper.

On this particular visit, having had luncheon we want for a walk round the gardens. This was a visit in May/June time as we had gone to see the Azaleas and Rhododendrons.

Whilst admiring the wonderful blooms I was following Lindsay along the path when the next thing I know I am laying on the ground, seeing stars not flowers and a lump or two in my throat!

One of the specially trained RN Commando posts at SPG on special field manoeuvres ,
you can see the rest of the patrol in the back ground(just)

I had walked slap bang in to a post that had 'just come out of nowhere'. Now, I often read of others misfortune and snigger, especially when I read things like "it was only his pride that was hurt" - well let me tell you it was more than my pride that was hurt. I felt sick for ages afterwards and very dull ache in places where such things should not exist.

Incident Two: Now this incident involves a pair of shorts (remember the shorts oh best beloved) and an ice cream.
On another visit to SPG at Rhododendron time, and being a very warm late spring/early summer afternoon we decided that we would treat ourselves to an ice cream.

We sat by one of the ornamental lakes to partake of the purchased iced confections. On performing that very simple task of sitting I heard an unfriendly sound come from the centre seam of my shorts. A ripping tearing sound. Now due to my seated position and the decision of left and right sides of my shorts deciding to divorce themselves I was in rather an exposed situation. Vis-A-Vis. I was displaying to the world that which should be kept very securely in side undershorts. Trying to adjust my dress but also 'cover' my embarrassment I invited my son to come and join me whilst he ate his iced confection, and in fact sit a short way in front of me with his back to me whilst I sorted myself out. He of course did this without question or argument!!! (not). By the time he actually accepted my invitation the structural integrity of my ice-cream had began to break down.

I was therefore trying to use an uncooperative child as a screen whilst I preserved what little decency I could still muster holding a rapidly melting ice cream. It was at this point Daniel decided he'd had enough and got up and walked off. Far from being able to rescue the situation I had enlarged the rip in the seam of the shorts and had been unable to locate the leg of said undershorts. Just when things could not have got any worse, they did. My Ice Cream had obviously come to the conclusion that as it had failed spectacularly to entice me to eat it, what was it's purpose in life, and it chose that moment to end it all by leaping acrobatically out of the cone that was supporting it, and landing in my very exposed lap.

You will be pleased to know that I did manage to affect a simple repair to the shorts and to retrieve the missing portion of under short. However my two friends had to be treated for severe shock and mild hypothermia.

In know I said at the start of this blog entry that I was going to detail all the stories about my little friends but this is bringing back some very painful memories so I will do these a few at a time I think!

Enjoy!

(c) 2004 & 2007 - Paul Jefford

The Bog Woppit Bugle

Seven days since the last posting. Sorry folks. I have had little enough time to burp let alone blog!

Anyway. It has been an interesting week.

12-03-07 - Sian's Birthday. Our little girl turned 17! It was a quiet day. We were due to go out for a meal as a family to celebrate, but my stomach had other ideas.

13-03-07 - Another quiet day. We were going to go out tonight instead of Monday night to celebrate Sian's birthday, but couldn't get a table at the restaurant we wanted to go to, so that out the mockers on that. Turned out that Sian didn't want to go to that restaurant anyway so lucky really. It was decided that we would go out for an Indian meal on the Wednesday night (as they do a special deal on Wednesday night , Starter, Main Course, Side Dish, plus Rice or Bread for £10/head).

14-03-07 - We made it to the restaurant! We had a meal to celebrate

• Sian's Birthday
• Daniel getting a good report from Parents evening
• My job being funded for the next financial year (the joys of working for a charity)

However, we had to make a pretty fast get away as I started to feel very ill - nothing to do with the food - more to do with the problem I had on Monday having not completely cleared up.

15-03-07 - I was out and about doing my thang as a Circuit Rider - I visited Royston Volunteer Centre. I booked a weekend break for us in Oxford from the 30th March to 2nd April. Staying at a Travel Lodge for 3 nights.

16-03-07 - My mate Duncan's Birthday. I had a very busy day in the office.
Played Taxi in the evening collecting Sian's friend from Waitrose.







17-03-07 - Inundated with friends of Sian! She had arranged to go out for a meal with her new friends from VIth Form College at the Pizza Express in Ely (approx 18 of them). She is going to arrange something with her old school friends for the Easter Holidays.
Lindsey had stayed over last night, Vicky turned up later in the morning. They went in to town and came back later in the afternoon. Lisa and Karl turned up later in the evening.
After the meal Sian had friends back to stay overnight, and not to be left out Daniel had his friend Cameron a.k.a Nigel stay over as well.

18-03-07 - Mothering Sunday.
The day started early as one of our guests had to be at work for 9am - Lindsay had to run her home to Witchford to pick up a forgotten key and then drop her off at work. Karl also had to go to work but didn't start 'til 10.

I cooked breakfast for the remaining guests - Bacon, Cumberland Sausage, Scrambled Egg, Grilled Tomato and Potato Scone, with Tea.

I phoned my mum to wish her happy mothers day.

Lindsay and the kids went off to Ickworth Park to meet up with Lindsays Mum and Dad.

I stayed at home. My arthritis flared up this morning and I've been in a foul mood all day! It takes a day or so for the meds to kick in. I don't need to and can't take this all the time and once it starts working things settle down quickly but its the bit between now and then that is particularly unpleasant.

So there you have it. Another week in the life of us simple country folk!

Easy - Like A Sunday Morning!

My Sunday began at 08:49 when the cat decided she wanted to muscle in to bed. Her slow ponderous walk across the territory that is my voluminous bulk woke me up. I decided at this point it was best to get up and answer natures call.

Between 09:00 and 10:00
Prepped a load of vegetables ready to be made in soup (leeks, carrots, pots, 'snips, brocolli, cabbage) which I then steamed first (thanks woodstock). I added a tin of butter beans and a tin of green lentils (well rinsed), to a large stock pan added the water collected by the steamer ( good stock) and added some water pinch of seasoning and some mixed herbs and left the lot to simmer for about 30 mins before roughly blitzing with a stick blender.

Whilst this was at various stages of developent I made some bread dough which became ciabatta rolls. They were meant to be for lunches through the week - but as ever - homemade bread just does not last as long as shop bought! - probably because it tasted tons better than the shop bought pap!

I also whipped up bacon rolls for breakfast

10:00 to 15:00
Was mostly spent looking at stuff for work - putting the finishing touches to a PowerPoint Presentation that will be used when we deliver a 'workshop' session at the National ICT Hub Annual Conference, which is being held at the Emirates Stadium on 28th March 2007.

The presentation has taken hours to put together. Having been the victim of several appaling presentations in my life, most of which have involved the presenter using really boring PowerPoint slides which they proceed to read out as if they are a teacher addressing 7E.
We have been very careful to make sure ours is not dull and boring. It is instead lively, vibrant, has movement and music and THEY'D BETTER LIKE IT!

I have also been looking at something for my dear friend Woodstock who has been tasked by his chapter of the BNI (yes BNI not BNP) to develop a way fo recording meetings between members. My very dear friend is an excellent painter, decorator, handyman etc - check out his company AKS Services, but his computer skills are a bit limited. We operate a barter system, I do computer stuff for him and he does odd jobs and decorating for me. It works very well.

I also have had to try and diagnose a fault with my daughters laptop and suspect it is a faulty hard drive, but in the meantime I have got her machine working by running a live boot version of X-UBUNTU (a particular flavour of Linux) so although at the moment her whole machine is running off a CD she can connect to the internet and check emails and websites etc!

I have also sorted out a problem with one of the memory cards we have for the digital camera.

I didn't watch the football as my boys nearly always lose to Chelsea - so discover my shock when I found out that not only did the match end 3-3 we were 3-1 up at half-time and this was at the Bridge as well.

For much the same reasons I did not watch the Rugby either, the way we played against Ireland was so bad the was only going to be one outcome of the game against France - we would win it of course - Typical! I did manage to catch snippits of the Rugby on the Radio when we went over to Littleport to pick Sian up from her friends house. On the way back we stopped and had an Ice Cream which we ate whilst walking along by the river. (It has been a perfect spring day in this part of the world.)

We were a bit peckish and our path back to the car took as past the best chips shop in town so we had to have a portion or two of chips in paper cones and use little blus plastic forks to eat them with!

When we got home it was put a chicken in the oven, have a cup of tea and then go across the road to the Community Rooms and assist Lindsay in her cleaning duties thereof.

Having cleaned the community rooms it was back home. Do a bit more work, then watch some TV.

We had dinner about 7 - 7:30

After dinner, I watched a bit more TV, but fell asleep!

Anyway. It's now 23:40 and its time for bed.

Why England Fail On The Big Sporting Occassions

After the recent lack lustre performances of our soccer team may be they could learn from those who play with oval balls (leave it out - behave!).

<---- Click Here!

I mean Morris dancing is hardly going to intimidate the opposition! Mind you they will be laughing so much we might stand a chance...

Smile

Click on the Smiley Face

Sit back.

Relax and be prepared to laugh your socks off!


Priceless!

Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory

People who know us are aware of our inability to go out anywhere and have a normal day out, or undertake the simplest tasks without it turning in to a 5 Act Wagnerian Saga. Over the years we have accumulated many tales of just such adventures.

Some of you may have already read these - I refuse to apologies - it's your own fault for being sad and leading boring ordinary lives.

Rather than post all the stories in one go I shall post them at regular intervals under the Jackanory banner.

I would like to thank all those involved in our adventures for their (unwilling/unplanned/innocent) participation. (You know who you are)

The say Truth is Stranger Than Fiction - It can be a lot more painful.

The North Face of the Eiger

Once upon a Saturday afternoon, the week after Christmas 2006 I was getting ready to put the Christmas Tree and the boxes of decorations away in our loft.

I needed to spend a few minutes in the loft moving stuff around so that I could actually get up there and put things away properly rather than jammed in around the loft opening.

Before I went up in to the loft Daniel asked me if I could look for his old Action Man stuff. As anyone over 40 will know when you have three things to do at the same time you just about manage to remember two of them and forget the third. So I forgot to look for the Action Man stuff..

Daniel starts giving it some lip and says that he will go up in to the loft and look for it himself.

So intrepid Chris Bonnington sets out from Base Camp with light equipment, no breathing apparatus, and no emergency rations as this is after all a merely fact finding climb before starting a proper ascent on the North Face.

Supported by Sherpa Dad our intrepid hero starts his climb and get 2/3rds of the way up the ladder and develops a terminal case of brown trousers and aborts the attempt due to adverse wind conditions.

After a brief discussion with the Climb Controller (aka Mum), our brave mountaineer makes his second attempt at the exploratory climb, and, like a rat up a drain pipe completes the ascent in 3.2 seconds (although this will not stand for record purposes as it was a wind assisted climb). Triumphant and overjoyed at his success Daniel strikes out across the plateau and after a minute arrives at Camp Action Man (a small collection of boxes halfway along the loft).

Reassured that the Action Man stuff is still in the loft and has not been taken, under cover of darkness, to a jumble sale or charity shop, Daniel carefully retraces his steps to the edge of the plateau and makes preparations for his descent.

It is at this point he decides that he cannot get down out of the loft. We start with some gentle cajoling and general reassuring that all he has to do is kneel down sling his leg on the ladder and Bobs your Uncle, Fanny’s your Aunt.

Obviously not reassuring enough as he still is not convinced at the ease of the descent. “How did you get down off the 20 foot climbing wall?” we asked, (the previous half term he had been up and down a mobile climbing wall when it came on to our estate)

“Abseiled!” he cried. “After someone pushed me off as I couldn’t let go at the top!”

By now Lindsay and I are beginning to think that letting him up in the loft was not a good idea.

“You’ve been up in the loft before with Roger(the plumber) and you got down OK so what was different then?” “He had a big pair of step ladders and I only had to put my foot down a little way on to the flat step bit at the top” “Go and get our step ladder Dad I can manage on that!” I tried to point out this would be futile as our steps are very short and hence the reason for the ladder we have now.

Change of tack. We send in mountain rescue! I go up in to the loft with Daniel and Lindsay is on the ladder to help him climb down. Easy! Yeah right!

I managed to get him in to descent position and he has one leg over the top of the ladder which Lindsay is holding in place (the leg and the ladder) and Daniel is clinging on to my trousers like his very existence depends on it. I am in the process of helping him move the other leg on to the ladder when he starts to freak out. He goes ram rod straight and stiff, screaming that we are trying to throw him down the ladder, that he can’t do this, he hates us, get the other ladder!!!!!

Daniel is totally hysterical so we try the slap the face routine- that worked - he accuses me of assault as well trying to throw him down the ladder and mentions Child Line, I said I get him the phone and dial him the number.

Sian is beside herself and totally freaked by Daniel’s behavior and screams up for us all to shut up. He starts to hyper ventilate.Lindsay goes down stairs to get a paper bag to stop the hyper-ventillation to find Sian collapsed on the floor surrounded by broken glass and she shouts up that I’ll have to get my own bag as Sian is unconscious.

I decided to fore go the paper bag and instead fetch said ladder from shed and take it up stairs. Daniel takes one look at it and passes comment about how short it is and he thought it was taller. By now I have lost it. I shorten the ladder by one step, climb up to the loft opening, invite Daniel to step on to the ladder other wise he won't need the ladder to get down out of the loft.

Eventually after 45 mins I manage get him to terra ferma. You will not be surprised to hear that Daniel has removed Mountain climbing from his list of work experience options for year 10.